It feels like every time I post here it's about looking back at old posts and reminiscing. I would have made this entry in my livejournal (I still have one!) except it wasn't letting me log in to the point where it temporarily banned my IP.
So there's that.
But one of the blogs (! lol) that I had talked about how maybe I'll return to happiness when I'm older... in my twenties haha. It should be noted that this particular entry came from 2004, before I graduated from high school.
It was slightly painful to read how I wrote. I thought it was so cool and edgy back then. Hah.
Good thing things on the Internet never die, amirite?
I will probably regret typing that sentence in another five to ten years.
But as I sit here in my high school bedroom, I do have to wonder. Am I mis-remembering wrong? Was I happy? Back then in high school. I wrote about yearning to return to being happy and carefree prior to when I went to Japan. About how maybe, melancholy was inextricably linked to responsible, and growing up meant that you could no longer be carefree and happy because you had to be ~responsible~ instead.
Was I happy and carefree back then? I guess "carefree" is one way to classify the style of writing I used to have.
The posts made me remember how much fun I had with my online friends in our guilds and chatrooms. The days we spent collaboratively writing stories together, playing games together, chatting and connecting on a human level together. But teenage me also wondered if part of life was moving on from things you used to find fun and enjoyable, but had simply lost interest in. Though perhaps I think, some part losing interest, but more part finding other things to be interested in.
I don't really keep in contact with many people from my online high school days, sadly. Ramsey. Eon I follow on facebook. Same with Dylan. Still talk to Keith. Haven't talked to his brother. But digi, PN, France, Fantasy - haven't heard from them (or if I'm being honest, remembered much about them until I re-read those posts and saw the amazing layout my friend had made me).
I tend to post more thought piece writings on my private journal space.
But it's funny.
Sitting here during shelter in place (day 49?) kind of makes you thoughtful. Being here in high school room makes me remember more things. Opening up and turning on my personal laptop for the first time in at least two or maybe three years... there are a lot of memories to unpack. Pictures and screenshots that were casually left on the desktop. Old conversations from the last time iMessage was open, texts from people I no longer talk to.
I have been so incredibly fortunate during this pandemic. I am able to afford rent, even if I'm not really living in my apartment. I have a job still. I have a job still! It pays well, even if I did get a 4.something% decrease in order to help my company avoid furloughing more workers. I am quarantined with family, so I am not 100% alone. My family's house has a washing machine and more than one bathroom. It also has a desk! And I have a work station set up. And there is food I don't have to worry about buying because my mother wants to do all the shopping.
But I am uncertain about the future of my job. Originally, my intentions were to work in this position for a yearish, then go back to doing program management. With the current job market though, that has changed. That is, assuming that I can find enough work to justify my position staying on. It's hard when so much of what I was hired to do (keep track of deals and budgets) will have its workload so drastically cut.
It feels like I'm walking around in a bit of a fog. Which, if I were myself speaking to a friend, I would say is perfectly acceptable given the time that we're in and the stress of living back at home.
Normally, my patience for staying at home caps at a max of like, a week and a half, maybe two weeks.
But with this situation?
I don't know. And it's scary. I know that this is better so long as I have to shelter in place and WFH. My current apartment is, quite simply, terrible for that. Plus there's no washer/dryer.
I was planning on moving anyways, even before this whole pandemic. I had looked for houses. Almost said yes to a place with some people. But I didn't want to move before my Paris trip. Which oh man. Feels like last year even though it was a month and a half ago.
I mean, I guess I'll just have to see what life throws at me and where life leads.
One of the quotes from my old blogs I liked a lot. And something to keep in mind these days.
"The most wasted day is that in which we do not smile."
Truly, there is a lot to be grateful for.
It feels wonderful to write again this much. I've missed it.
